Benjamin Bloodworth's Blog

Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

Don’t Insult Spock’s Mother

Spock may have undergone years of Vulcan training to suppress his emotions, but that won’t stop him from putting a Rodney King style beat down on your ass if you insult his mom.

If you kill Spock’s mother, he’ll put a black hole in your ass. I’m not talking about the one that was put there by nature. I’m talking about the matter destroying, light trapping, nothing escapes it kind of black hole.

Thankfully someone else killed Spock’s mother preventing anyone else from repeating that offense and suffering the consequences, unless they discover time travel, which we all know never happens in the Star Trek universe…

Romulans hate hand rails

Don’t ever get into a drunken stupor aboard a Romulan ship. I guess they think Starfleet’s take you anywhere in seconds elevators are for sissies. If you want to get from one room to another, you’ll have to walk across suspended, narrow bridges in a big open room, high off the ground without any handrails. Should you fall and somehow avoid hitting other ledges on the way down, the floor is covered in waist deep water. I guess that’s their safety net, but even that’s too sissified for Romulans. There’s plenty of electrical wiring and sparks nearby to make it more Romulanified. It builds character and culls the weak at the same time!

“That’s just one example!”, you say. Next to sun monitor watcher, see below, Romulan drill repairman has to be the worst job in the Federation. If something goes wrong, you have to climb out onto the drill’s circular platform while it’s suspended in the upper atmosphere of a planet to repair it. Are there any hand rails to prevent strong winds from pushing you over the edge? Of course not. Handrails are for sissies.

Narada's drilling rig fires on San Francisco Bay

The only thing that can make this job more dangerous is Sulu with a sword.

If Sulu pulls out a sword, surrender

I can hear you shouting, “But I’m armed with a futuristic weapon that fires lasers. Lasers for crying out loud! Surely a weapon invented in 3700 B.C. is no match for a weapon invented in the 24th century.” Trust me. I’m saving you from death by fiery, immolation. “But fiery immolation is redundant!”, you say. I know. It was a double warning.

Sulu fights Romulan with his folding katana.

Spacefaring civilizations never predict their star is going super nova

It happened to the Kryptonians, and now it’s happened to the Romulans.

I guess I understand. Even if you’ve parked a satellite by your sun to monitor it, who wants the job of watching a computer screen all day when you could be travelling the cosmos and banging Orion slave girls?

Orion Slave Girl (Rachel Nichols)

Even if there’s some poor sap who used to be a hot shot in the finance industry who was reduced to taking a job as the sun monitor watcher to make ends meet after the economy soured, I imagine the arguments go a lot like this:

Replace this, “Hey guys, the Earth’s average global temperature has been increasing at an alarming rate, ever since we started burning fossil fuels. Maybe we should do something about it before it’s too late.”, with this, “Hey guys, our sun has been showing signs of increasing destabilization. Maybe we should evacuate everyone before it’s too late.”

Replace this, “Global warming my ass. We had record cold temperatures this winter. You must be one of those Al Gore believing dumb asses.”, with this, “”Destabilization my ass. When I look up at the sun, I don’t see any difference. You must be one of those Jor-El believing dumb asses.”

Star Trek Corset

This has nothing to do with the movie, but I found it while looking for the other pictures and had to include it for obvious reasons.

Star Trek Corset

I haven’t met a girl yet who doesn’t like Twilight.  I also haven’t met one that doesn’t think Edward Cullen is the most perfect boyfriend ever!!!  For all the single guys out there, just follow Edward’s example and you’re sure to have ladies swooning over you.

Girls Like to be Stalked

Restraining order, another way of saying "I love you."

It doesn’t matter that you’ve just met her in passing, go ahead and climb through her window and into her bedroom at night to watch her sleep.  Chicks dig it! 

You also want to follow her everywhere she goes, but stay just out of eyesight.  She doesn’t need to know you’re stalking her until you rescue her from other guys who aren’t as good at stalking as yourself.  After you’ve saved her from a gang rape, or some other equally violent crime, she totally won’t be weirded out when you admit to climbing into her bedroom at night to watch her sleep.

Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen in Twilight

you’ll probably get a different reaction than you will if you look like this guy.

Max Schreck as Count Orlok in Nosferatu

Here’s a handy video to demonstrate the best way to approach a woman under these circumstances.

Threaten to Kill Her

Tell the girl you’re stalking that it takes all of the willpower you can summon to stop yourself from killing her.  This will probably get you pretty close to getting inside her pants.  To make sure you get inside her pants, also tell her that you constantly fantasize about drinking her blood.  That will pretty much seal the deal.

Follow these simple steps and you can have any girl you’ve ever watched intently from a safe distance.